If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
