I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
