Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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