theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
