The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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