dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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