i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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