i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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