if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
