I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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