i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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