I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
