hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
