no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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