I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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