Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Of course I have a pirate flag
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
