The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if only i could text you this smell
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
