She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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