I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
