just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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