i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do herpes really smell.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
