His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
