You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
