no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
