well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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