the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
