I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
