I don't remember. Are we still dating?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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