Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
