There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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