im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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