everyone is single if you try hard enough
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
