I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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