To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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