Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
