Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so let's talk penis.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
