I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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