remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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