There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
