I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
