The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
