If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
