hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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