Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
