Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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