Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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