im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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