; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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