Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
