You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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