TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
