Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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