1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
