you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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