i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
