I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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