rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
