1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
