I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
