why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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