I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
