My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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