Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
